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The Fishing Derby (season 9 episode)/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW All you fathers out there know what it's like when you try to get your teenagers to do a bit of yard work. They can't trim the hedges for more than five minutes without takin' a break. I'll tell you what, I've come up with a way to keep your teenagers in gear without havin' to keep an eye on 'em. We've all seen these motion detectors. Well, I've wired this one up backwards. It's a lack of motion detector. See, as long as there's motion, the light goes off. As soon as there's no motion, the light comes on. Now, a light goin' on or off is gonna have no effect on your teenager. If they don't respond to a sunrise, a 60-watt bulb isn't gonna impress 'em. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna unplug this lamp and plug in a prerecorded tape that plays on this cassette player. Then all you do is aim the motion detector at your teenager, and as long as he's movin', everything's fine. But the minute he stops ... Hey what are you doin' sittin' around? Get back to work. You call that effort? Get off your duff. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. Bit of a setback, actually, this week. This is the annual possum lake fishing derby, and so far, nobody's caught any fish. And I'll tell ya, if that keeps up, uh, we're not gonna be able to give away the great prize. Second prize is a bus ticket to port asbestos. And if you win the first prize, they make it round trip. But, uh, so far, like I say, there's been no winners. So I think they should change the rules. I think they should give the prize to the guy with the biggest lure. Red, red. Look, look, look. Look what I caught. Wow. Wow, that's a beauty. Is that a blowfish? 17 pounds! See, I think the fishin' derby should be for the heaviest thing you can catch. Doesn't have to be fish. No. Could be a snowmobile or a stove. I got a better idea, mr. Green. It should be a living thing to win. If can't be a fish, it should be something else alive. Like a swimmer? No, like a plant or a tree. Oh, man. I snagged this beauty in mercury creek, down by the bridge. Yeah, that's when half the santa claus parade went off the bridge and fell into the lake. They call those things floats. [ laughter ] oh, wait a second. That's not living, that's artificial, mike. That won't work. Well, we gotta come up with a better way to catch fish. We could drag a big net from one end of the lake to the other, right. Where we gonna get a net that size? The tennis club. They don't lock that gate. No, look, the trouble is there isn't any fish. I think maybe we should just test the water in the lake. You know what we could do, eh? We could drain the whole thing, huh? Hook all our cars up there, drop the rad hoses in by the boat ramp, start up the engines, make that puppy as dry as a martini huh? See, I think we should test the water in the lake. You know, I've heard that if you fire off a big charge of dynamite under water, you can fish with a pitchfork. [ laughter ] I'm gonna go test the water in the lake. Cleaning out your eavestroughs is something you should do on an annual basis. No matter how many trees I blow up, I still get leaves in 'em. And dirt and sticks, little chunks of my propane tank. So here's an easy way to clean em' out. You borrow a hunk of hose from a local building. You might want to hose down the building for safety. Then you attach the nozzle to the bottom part of the downspout on your eavestrough with the explosives enthusiast's secret weapon, duct tape. You know, I think it was sir isaac newton john who said, whatever goes down must go up, if you got enough water pressure. [ cranking sound ] oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir. I'll have those p & l statements ready for the audit, for you by about, oh, three o'clock. Noon? Noon, yeah, oh, noon's easy. I can do noon, sure. Yeah. Gum? Hm-mm, it's grape. It's like bubbalicious, but it's not. You know what it is? You know what it is? Gone. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. It's gone. It's gone, alrighty. Yeah, I can do that for you. Noon's not a problem, sir. Alrighty. Okay, you bet -- you have a good day too. Harold. Ow! Pressure gettin' to ya, harold? No, no. Ah, no. I love this job. It's just the greatest. Look at this, uncle red. I'm an assistant account executive. Oh, yeah, I see that. An account executive, eh? How many accounts do you have, harold? None. So you're a no account executive, huh. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, well, don't you worry, I'm gettin' there. Everybody says I have what it takes to be a financial advisor. Is that a complement, you think? Uncle red, I know you mean well, but I'm not coming back to the lodge. Oh, I'm not coming back to the lodge. I got this job, I like it, and I'm good at it. Yeah, well, I just don't want you to get hurt, that's all. You insult me so I won't get hurt? Harold, this is the big city. People will take advantage of you, harold, all right? I want you to be treated fairly. Uncle red, I make $1200 a week. What do you mean when you say a week. Um-m-m, a week. $1200 a week. And they pay me every week. Harold -- harold, uh, this is a big adjustment for me. I think I'm going to have to go home now, harold. Oh, well, I understand. Thank you very much for coming to check up on me. You drop by any time you like. Yeah, okay, harold. Thanks. Oh, harold I can't move my foot. Oh, no, is it a stroke? No, looks like gum. Parking lots can be frustrating, can't they? Either you can't find a spot at all, or then you do get one, by the time you get back to your car, somebody has boxed you in. Maybe the guy's spot you took. Or maybe the parking lot owner gettin' back at you for not paying the last time. Well, today, I'm going to show a fast, cheap, unembarassing way to get into or out of a tight parking spot. First thing you need... Your spare. Now, your spare might be flat. Doesn't matter, it'll work just as good. And then you need a jack, but you don't want this kind of jack. You want the hydraulic type. They have a little more lifting power. 'cause we're not just gonna be lifting one end of the vehicle. But, hey, I'm getting way ahead of myself. All right, I've got two jacks, that means I can open. [ chuckling ] next thing you wanna do is horse the back seat outta there. [ grunting ] all right. Hit it. Now, you may notice with that particular method of removing the seat, there is a certain amount of damage to the floor area, but that gaping hole in there is gonna come in real handy later. But I'm gettin' way ahead of myself. Okay, first thing we gotta do now is mount the jack to the inside of the roof. And for that I'm gonna use the heavy-duty self-tapping machine screws rather than duct tape; although, you could put duct tape on the screws later, you know, for appearances. [ grunting ] all right, now I wanna hang the spare tire under the jack, but right at floor level, there. The I'll be able -- guess those machine screws are a little bit long. Okay, I need something to fill the gap between the jack and where the spare tire's gonna be. I could use, I guess, a 4x4 on that, but I want something a lot stronger that won't twist and warp. So I'm gonna use this old car drive shaft here. I've already measured the length. Now I'll just cut 'er to size. [ huffing and puffing ] okay, I decided to go with the 4x4, after all, on that. But she's all assembled. We got the jack hangin' from the roof, and we got the spare hangin' from the jack, and the whole unit is positioned over our big hole in the floor. So now whenever we want to get into or out of a real tight parking spot, all we do is jack down the spare, which will jack up the car. Then we spin 'er around till she's facin' the right way. Then we jack up the spare, which will jack down the car, and we're outta there. Funny how life's solutions are usually so simple, isn't it? Boy, my wife's gonna go nuts when she sees this. But I'm gettin' way ahead of myself. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take this baby for a spin. [ creaking and grinding sounds ] [ hydraulic sounds ] I wanna talk to you middle-aged guys out there. How many times over the last ten years have you regretted saying the words "watch this"? How many of your scars or your missing fingers, your faded memory are a direct result of saying the words, "watch this"? You know, maybe it's time to replace the words "watch this" with phrases that are more suited to your current physical condition. Phrases like, "where are my glasses?" or, "where are my other glasses?" or the ever popular, "honey, I swear it must've been the dog." you see, women aren't the only ones whose biological clocks are ticking. It's just that our clocks are sayin' different things. You know, women's clocks are saying, you're having hot flashes; or, you know, I think screaming will make everything better. But our clocks are saying, get off the roof, you fool; or, put those roller blades down now. The important thing is never say watch this. Just accept the fact that you've reached that point in your life where there is nothing about you that's worth watchin'. Except, of course, your manners and your cholesterol level. And remember, I'm pullin' for you; we're all in this together. Well, dalton took a sample of possum lake water in to be tested, but I just don't think that's the problem. So I'm gonna put a little on the plants, maybe let the dogs drink it. And that'll prove there's nothin' wrong with it. Okay, red, I got the report on possum lake. Does not look good. Oh, did the government sissy boys find something wrong with our water? According to this possum lake is no longer classified as a body of water. No, it says suspension of manganese and sulphate particulate in a 40 percent solution of methyl alcohol. Are you sayin' possum lake is a singapore sling? No. Methyl alcohol is -- well, it's like gasoline. It's no wonder there's not fish in the lake. Yeah, we've got a highly toxic and corrosive mixture there. Oh, well, that's crazy. Here, hold this plant. I'm gonna show you something. Watch this. [ laughter ] holy mackerel! The water took the bottom right out of this pail. It'll do the same thing to you. [ laughter ] well, what are we gonna do? Well, the report says we should install a water purification system to clean the lake. Yeah, what's that gonna cost? Seven million dollars. That sounds high to me. Wait a minute. Water filtration, that's just filters and chemicals. We'll just throw some weed killer into the lake, and then just filter the whole deal through some old mattresses. You know, it's just crazy enough that it might work. Ha ha. Yeah, right. Red: Real special adventure this time round. We're gonna make kind of a cenotaph unit out there behind the lodge. We had one of those -- the power augur and a couple of bushes. And, uh, we'd had a flag sent to us by some friends in moose jaw. Winston's getting the flag pole outta the van. Hard to get a pole that big into one of the smaller vans. But we had -- watch out. Careful now. Careful now. Oh, oh. By golly. All right, okay, well, we got everything, that's the main thing. So now I'm tellin' the boys we gotta dig some holes. We gotta -- first of all, we gotta a dig a hole for the flag pole. When you got a 20-, 30-foot pole, it's gotta go down at least four inches, I believe. So, uh, get the power augur - pick that up, boys. Pick 'er up. Push 'er up there. C'mon, push 'er up. Pick 'er up. Get 'er goin'. Okay, all right. All right. Now, the thing with these power augurs, they're fine till they hit a rock. Then, uh, you know -- so then I figured, no, okay, that's four horsepower, you know. So then we went back to the manual style, and we had a windshield scrape and a tire iron 'cause we actually needed a hole for the flag pole and one for each of the bushes. But, uh -- we can kinda see the cenotaph startin' to take place now. We're gonna -- first thing we do, we're gonna put the bushes in bring 'em over, boys. Bring 'em over. Haul 'em over. Get 'em over. Now, we gotta put the flag pol up in the middle thing there - kinda looks like iwo jima, doesn't it? There goes mikey. There we go. Got her in. Beautiful, we'r all set. Got the pole up there great and everything. And now is a very, very important moment in our lives... Gettin' out this special flag sent to us by our friends in moose jaw. Look at that. That's the possum cre -- okay, all right. All right. All right. Take things pretty seriously up here at the lodge. All I had to do, just run 'er up the flag pole, as they say in the board rooms. And we're about as bored as you could get at this point. We got 'er up there, and wouldn't you know it, I hung the darned thing upside down. 'course, I get a lot of cooperation out of my friends here. Oh, man, now look what they do. Ah, come on, guys. That's not funny. So I'm tryin' to get 'er down and she's jammed up there. Now I gotta take the whole pole down. Maybe we can just shake it, and maybe she'll come down. Thanks for all the help. Finally got the pole down. Put 'er up straight and everything. I thought we were in real good shape. I think we may have weakened the hole a little bit by shakin' it 'cause, you know -- but you know when life, sometimes things don't go your way? You gotta adapt. Huh? Huh? Still not right. Still not right. There we go. [ cheering and applause ] oh, red! Red green. What a great surprise. Well, it shouldn't really be a surprise, gord. I told you I was comin'. Yeah, I know, but I forced myself to forget. Oh. You ever done that? I'll try it right after I leave. [ chuckling ] what's this, gord? Oh, yeah, that's my new watchtower guest book. From now on, everybody that visits the tower will sign the guest book. Yeah, I know. I gave you this book four years ago. Don't you remember? I was the the first one to sign it. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm the only one that signed it, gord. Yeah, I know. Hey, you could sign it again. Yeah, all right. Okay, sure, I'll sign it again. Here you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, except this time, could you sign it from shirley or angela? And write something mushy, like a poem. No, gord, I'm not really comfortable writing to you from a woman. You know, it bothers me. Really? Yeah. Maybe you should see somebody about that. [ laughter ] gord doesn't it seem unusual that you've been here for four years, and you haven't had any visitors? Is that what you think? I've had plenty of visitors up here, red. Hundreds every week. Oh, oh. You don't know much about mosquitoes, do you? I'm thinking real visitors, human visitors, gord. Who do you think shirley and angela are? They're human! Oh, boy, are they human. [ growling ] except they only come when I'm asleep. But they come often. If it wasn't for them, I'd probably go crazy. All right. All right. Tell you what. I'll sign one to you from angela. How's that? Uh, better make it shirley. Angela's left-handed. [ laughter ] [ ticking ] you know, there's nothing like sports to teach kids what life's all about. And what better place to learn about winning and losing and good sportsmanship and patience than the old ball park, huh? Today, I'm teachin' the young one here about patience. You know what I'm talkin' about; good things come to those who wait. It's an important lesson. Oh, no, no, no. You don't want that. This is full of nitrates, animal by-products. Ew. Oh, see over there where that pitcher's mound is? There's the batter's box. When a major league pitcher winds up, that ball's goin' 90 miles an hour across that plate. That's what makes this game so great. He loves this. This is just about perfect too. Get a kid, grab a hot dog, come to the ball park, spend some quality time together. It'll be something that'll reward the both of you. When's the ball game start? Thursday. [ ringing ] [ laughter ] well, uh, we're gettin' there, you know. The lake still has bits of stuff floatin' around in it. I think all the explosive toxins have been removed. Thanks to mike. Mike, is there anything you wanted to say to the kids watchin' out there? Uh, yes, mr. Green. Uh, smoking cigarettes is hazardous to your health, especially if you're standing in a lake of gasoline. It's actually a good thing that we don't have any fish in there. Possum lake would be chowder at this point. But, you know, on the bright side, there was some good news. According to the report, anyway. Read it to them, dalton. Ouch! What? What? Uh, "once the methyl alcohol contaminants have been removed, "the remaining impurities are non-toxic "and can be removed by filtration." so all we gotta do now is filter the water, and possum lake'll be healthy again. So what we have to do is come up with a cost-effective, efficient filtration system. And this is where the brilliance comes in. Well, I don't think it's so brilliant. No, no, but then, you didn't think of it, did you? All you could think of was I think I'll light up a cigarette, and now none of us have eyebrows. So what we have is the best filter system anyone could ever devise. You know what I'm talkin' about? The human body. Just let nature take its course. The miracle of the human kidney. That's the thing right there. I figured out that if every possum lodge member drinks -- 45 gallons. 45 gallons of possum lake water -- a week. 45 gallons of possum lake a week -- for 27 weeks. For 27 weeks, and we'll have the lake crystal clear again. The only problem is nobody can leave town, or the water level will be down. I don't think I can drink that much water, mr. Green. Mike, if you can smoke, you can drink. Yes, mr. Green. [ possum squeal ] oh, geez, there's the meeting. Let's go tell the others. You guys go ahead; I'll be down in a minute. If my wife is watchin', I'll be comin' straight home after the meetin', and I'd really appreciate it if you'd use a little extra salt in your cooking because I'm going to need to be a little extra thirsty for the next little while. And to the rest of you, thanks for watchin'. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com take your seats. All rise! All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. Okay, bow your heads, and join me in the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Bring it in, mike. It's just water. 45 gallons a week, guys. Closed captioning provided by